fuckingdisease suicidalpariah
bloodshotscars secrets-written-in-my-skin
Rant.. because my feelings got in the way again.

I have so much sadness in me, I can barely breathe. Like, something inside me just snapped.. broke. And I can’t repair it. Many years ago, when teachers at school asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I told them I want to be a writer, later I wanted to be a teacher. Now I want to be death.
And everything sucks because I tried, I tried so freakin’ hard and nothing I ever did was enough.. not for me, not for anyone.

And now I don’t cut, my cuts have been healed and my scars are fading… but my problems, and problems I have with myself are still not fixed.

People can’t possibly imagine how much I hate myself.

I started to cut when I was seven. It was a small cut, like those paper cuts you get once in a while. I don’t even know how I got it, I just… I was afraid of blood you see, every time someone accidentally fell or something and I saw just a little blood I would faint. But when I saw my blood, I wasn’t scared. Because it felt good. I cried before I got the cut, my mom was screaming at me because I wasn’t being friendly to the girl who kicked me under the table anytime she got the chance. And when I got the cut, my feelings… the sadness… it evaporated. Disappeared.  

I smiled that day.

A few weeks later, someone pointed a scar on my hand. I got scared, what if they tell my parents, I thought to myself. So I went to the barn, sat in the large pile of hay we kept there for the horses and I cried. I promised myself that I will never hurt myself again, even if it made the bad feeling go away. 
That day, my mom asked me what is the meaning of that scar. And I told her, "Don’t you remember that one time I fell on a piece of glass? I got it because of that! Cool, hm?" She said yes, and then told me that scars aren’t cool, but they’re ugly.

"Watch out, and take care of yourself or no boy would marry you."

I was scared of that truth. No one to love me, no one to care about me. But as I got older and I started to see the change between me and other kids I… just kinda accepted it. 
But I started to cut again. 

And it always left that nice empty feeling in me. You know it, no? The bad empty feeling that makes you choke with hurt, but there is a nice empty feeling too. The feeling that actually let’s you feel nothing. I love that feeling.
Than I realized that I’m asexual… and I was ashamed. I was feeling like an alien. Wrong. Broken. My friends made me feel these things. They made me go to dates, talk to people that looked scary. Because I was strange to them. What kind of 15 year old girl never kissed? Isn’t it crazy? Aren’t you frigid? Did you go to the doctor? Are you just faking it? Do you hate kissing? Do you hate touch? Why do you always flinch when I try to touch your hand? What are you hiding? Tell me, tell me, tell me,… or I tell your parents that you’re acting strange and they will do something! Maybe they will force you to talk with psychiatrist! Or a psychologist! You’re messed up in the head! 

A few years later my parents found out that I cut, and even now, sometimes they still discreetly check my wrists. But they never check my hips.. or my tights. 

And that’s okay.

Because maybe… maybe I wasn’t meant to be saved, anyway.

(I’m sorry for spamming too much with my rants.. I’ll stop.)

1 note
the-personal-quotes nazeya
dying--onthe--inside trying-to-end-the-pain
sucroseskulls: hi! for the question thingy: 1, 6, 9, 28, 29, 34, and 36 :)

Yay ! :D Thank youUUuuuuuUUUU !! Okay !! :)

1 - Sweet basil&citrus :) I have problems with sleep and this fragnance helps me tremendously :)
6 - A split? I can ! But I’m not able to stand up after I do it xD
9 - Aah, let’s see. I was in Poland, Czech republic, Tunisia (heck yea crocodiles) and Croatia :3
28 - Nope ! But I want to try it ! I heard it’s really good :)
29 - The Barn xD They serve pizza there ! :D
34 - Uhm… hard question :3 I don’t have a favorite person, I love everyone… :3 I love even youuuuuuuUUUuuuuuu :3
36 - I can ! :D With&without fingers ! 

Thank you again ! :3

2 notes
zodiacbaby breathe-without-me
omg-relatable oh-teen-posts
50 Questions You've Never Been Asked
  • Ask me a couple of numbers!!
  • 1. What's your favorite candle scent?
  • 2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?
  • 3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?
  • 4. How old do you think you'll be when you get married?
  • 5. Do you know a hoarder?
  • 6. Can you do a split?
  • 7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?
  • 8. How many oceans have you swam in?
  • 9. How many countries have you been to?
  • 10. Is anyone in your family in the army?
  • 11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?
  • 12. What would you name your son if you had one?
  • 13. What's the worst grade you got on a test?
  • 14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?
  • 15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?
  • 16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?
  • 17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?
  • 18. Did your mother go to college?
  • 19. Are your grandparents still married?
  • 20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?
  • 21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?
  • 22. What's the first amusement park you've been to?
  • 23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?
  • 24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?
  • 25. Is your father bald?
  • 26. Do you know triplets?
  • 27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?
  • 28. Have you ever had Indian food?
  • 29. What's the name of your favorite restaurant?
  • 30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?
  • 31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ's, etc.)?
  • 32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?
  • 33. If you have a nickname, what is it?
  • 34. Who's your favorite person in the world?
  • 35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?
  • 36. Can you whistle?
  • 37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?
  • 38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?
  • 39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?
  • 40. What medical conditions do you have?
  • 41. How many times have you been to the hospital?
  • 42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
  • 43. Where do you buy your jeans?
  • 44. What's the last compliment you got?
  • 45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?
  • 46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?
  • 47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?
  • 48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?
  • 49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn't real?
  • 50. Why do you have a tumblr?
411,826 notes
seriously-idgaf numb-depression
HAKUNA MA’VODKA it means no memories, for the rest of the night  (via suchvodka)
66,910 notes
xxxl0veleenxxx just--statistically--unstable
cynicallys every-smile-hides-a-secret
I’m not the same everyday. There are times where I’m loud and chatty, and there are times when I’m really quiet. I don’t think I can define myself. (via suicidal-dreaminq)
130,032 notes
moonjongupsays suicidal-monsterr
jowduk covered-in-bandaids
lewky nigdyniebylodobrzewiesz
I don’t think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. (via chuckhansen)
111,271 notes
wordsthat-speak unstable--teens